Author Topic: tum  (Read 274 times)

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Rashmi

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tum
« on: November 12, 2013, 10:57:21 AM »
anjaan se sada tum
kah do, n kuchh huaa, tum

mujh ko jara batado
ho kyon khafa khafa tum

chup chaap chal diye ho
kah do hui khataa tum

khud hi sitam karo ho
khud hi kaho saza tum

ye saans hai ruki si
ho vaid au dava tum

ye vedna gahan hai
samjhe kabhi kahaN tum

taza jakham abhi hain
naa do abhi hawa tum

antim salaam lelo
'rashmi' kahaN kahaN tum
Rashmi Sharma

gooDe akkhar ,fatti sukki
adiyo meri gaachi mukki
sukke hanjhu akkhaN waale
haaDa! akkhar mooloN kaale

hamdam

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Re: tum
« Reply #1 on: November 12, 2013, 05:29:28 PM »
RAshmi ji bahut ache ...


apki rachna per ke dil ne kuch yun kaha ......

Ek ankahe sawal ho tum .
kyn chipe ho hijab mein tum.
Khud mein hi ho jawab tum,
mere liye lajawab ho tum .

Sanjay Sehgal

Rashmi

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Re: tum
« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2013, 05:26:53 PM »
RAshmi ji bahut ache ...


apki rachna per ke dil ne kuch yun kaha ......

Ek ankahe sawal ho tum .
kyn chipe ho hijab mein tum.
Khud mein hi ho jawab tum,
mere liye lajawab ho tum .

Sanjay Sehgal
shukriya sanjay ji :)
Rashmi Sharma

gooDe akkhar ,fatti sukki
adiyo meri gaachi mukki
sukke hanjhu akkhaN waale
haaDa! akkhar mooloN kaale

ridham

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Re: tum
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2013, 07:07:05 AM »
ho door door kyoN tum
kah do hooN bas yahaN tum

anilrana

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Re: tum
« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2013, 02:20:49 AM »
wah rashmi kaya baat hai bahoot pyara andaz kalam bandh kiya hai
Ye Dunia Mujhe Jane Ya Na Jane,
Teri Ankhe Muje Pehchane Yahi Bahut Hai.

Sarwar A. Raz

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Re: tum
« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2014, 01:20:03 AM »
anjaan se sada tum
kah do, n kuchh huaa, tum

mujh ko jara batado
ho kyon khafa khafa tum

chup chaap chal diye ho
kah do hui khataa tum

khud hi sitam karo ho
khud hi kaho saza tum

ye saans hai ruki si
ho vaid au dava tum

ye vedna gahan hai
samjhe kabhi kahaN tum

taza jakham abhi hain
naa do abhi hawa tum

antim salaam lelo
'rashmi' kahaN kahaN tum
Rashmi jee: Namaste!

kaafee dinoN ke bad aayaa hooN. aap kee ghazal dekh kar bohat khushee huyee. aap kee shaa,iree men nikhaar aa rahaa hai. is men koyee shak naheen hai. aise hee mehnat kartee rahen gee to bohat jaldee aur bhee achhaa likhne lagen gee. shaabaash!

ek aadh jagah aap se ghalatee ho gayee hai jo koyee baRee baat naheen hai. ham sab ghalatee kar ke hee seekhte hain. main likh rahaa hoon. ummeed hai keh buraa naheen maanen gee! :-)

(1) aap kee ghazal ke qaafiye hain "zaraa, sazaa, dawaa" etc. do jagah aap ne "kahaan" ko qaafiyah likhaa hai jo ghalat hai. in ko phir se dekh leejiye.

(2) ek jagah aap ne :jara: likhaa hai jo  :zaraa: honaa chaahiye

(3) ek jagah aap ne :jakham: ko qaafiyah baandhaa hai. durust lafz (shabd) hai :zakhm: so is sher ko yoon kar sakte hain:

hain saare zakhm taazaa
naa do ise hawaa tum

aur sab theek hai.

Sarwar A. Raz

Rashmi

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Re: tum
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2014, 01:27:15 PM »
anjaan se sada tum
kah do, n kuchh huaa, tum

mujh ko jara batado
ho kyon khafa khafa tum

chup chaap chal diye ho
kah do hui khataa tum

khud hi sitam karo ho
khud hi kaho saza tum

ye saans hai ruki si
ho vaid au dava tum

ye vedna gahan hai
samjhe kabhi kahaN tum

taza jakham abhi hain
naa do abhi hawa tum

antim salaam lelo
'rashmi' kahaN kahaN tum
Rashmi jee: Namaste!

kaafee dinoN ke bad aayaa hooN. aap kee ghazal dekh kar bohat khushee huyee. aap kee shaa,iree men nikhaar aa rahaa hai. is men koyee shak naheen hai. aise hee mehnat kartee rahen gee to bohat jaldee aur bhee achhaa likhne lagen gee. shaabaash!
shukriya sarwar ji aapka meri post par aana matar hi mere liye gaurav ki baat hai or uske baad aapne mujh meiN kuchh sudhaar paaya ye or bhi badi baat hai mere liye
ek aadh jagah aap se ghalatee ho gayee hai jo koyee baRee baat naheen hai. ham sab ghalatee kar ke hee seekhte hain. main likh rahaa hoon. ummeed hai keh buraa naheen maanen gee! :-)bura manane vaali koi baat hi nahi ji naturaly galti pataa chalegi tabhi sudhaar hoga

(1) aap kee ghazal ke qaafiye hain "zaraa, sazaa, dawaa" etc. do jagah aap ne "kahaan" ko qaafiyah likhaa hai jo ghalat hai. in ko phir se dekh leejiye.
(2) ek jagah aap ne :jara: likhaa hai jo  :zaraa: honaa chaahiye ji is pe main dhiyan doongi


(3) ek jagah aap ne :jakham: ko qaafiyah baandhaa hai. durust lafz (shabd) hai :zakhm: so is sher ko yoon kar sakte hain:

hain saare zakhm taazaa
naa do ise hawaa tum
yahaN mujhe kuchh confusen hai ji ek to zakhm maine qaafiyah nahi liya yahan tak mujhe lagta hai (not sure) doosara mere saare sher kuchh is tarah haiN

an        jaa  n    se       sa    daa    tum
kah       do, n    kuchh  hu    aa,     tum

mujh      ko za raa ba  taa  do
ho         kyon kha    faa  kha  faa   tum

chup      chaa   p chal  di  ye  ho
kah      do      hu   ii kha   taa tum

khud    hi si   tam ka   ro   ho
khud    hi ka   ho sa  zaa  tum


taa  zaa za  kham a  bhi hain
naa do a   bhi ha waa tum


hain saa  re za  khm taa  zaa
naa do i   se ha   waa tum  (kya dono tarah se same rawaani meiN haiN plz clear kijiye)

aur sab theek hai.
baaki sab khariyat hai or aapki khariyat ki dua karti hooN   

aapka aana bahut achha laga shukriya ji :)

Sarwar A. Raz
Rashmi Sharma

gooDe akkhar ,fatti sukki
adiyo meri gaachi mukki
sukke hanjhu akkhaN waale
haaDa! akkhar mooloN kaale

Sarwar A. Raz

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Re: tum
« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2014, 06:44:25 PM »
Rashmi jee: aadaab!

jawaab kaa shukriyah. main Ghalatee se :zakhm: ko qaafiyag likh gayaa thaa. yeh qaafiya naheen hai lekin :jakham: yaa :zakham: donoN ghalat hain jab ke :zakhm: durust hai. aap ne do sher likhe haiN:

taa  zaa za  kham a  bhi hain
naa do a   bhi ha waa tum

hain saa  re za  khm taa  zaa
naa do i   se ha   waa tum

pehlaa sher ghalat hai kyon keh :zakham: koyee lafz naheeN hai. doosraa durust hai. is ko aur behtar karne ke liye :ise: kee jagah :inheN: kar deejiye kyon keh :saare zakhm: kee munaasibat se inhen honaa chaahiye.

aur sab theek hai.

Sarwar A Raz 

Rashmi

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Re: tum
« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2014, 04:11:16 PM »
Shukriya Sarwar A.Raz  ji ,,,,,,behad shukriya
Rashmi Sharma

gooDe akkhar ,fatti sukki
adiyo meri gaachi mukki
sukke hanjhu akkhaN waale
haaDa! akkhar mooloN kaale

Rashmi

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Re: tum
« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2014, 04:11:59 PM »
Shukriya Sarwar A.Raz  ji ,,,,,,behad shukriya aapki rahnumaai meiN hameiN taskeen milti hai

Rashmi Sharma

gooDe akkhar ,fatti sukki
adiyo meri gaachi mukki
sukke hanjhu akkhaN waale
haaDa! akkhar mooloN kaale

Rashmi

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Re: tum
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2014, 05:40:50 AM »
ho door door kyoN tum
kah do hooN bas yahaN tum
naa door door haiN hum
Tere aas paas haiN hum
Rashmi Sharma

gooDe akkhar ,fatti sukki
adiyo meri gaachi mukki
sukke hanjhu akkhaN waale
haaDa! akkhar mooloN kaale

Rashmi

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Re: tum
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2014, 05:42:21 AM »
wah rashmi kaya baat hai bahoot pyara andaz kalam bandh kiya hai
behad shukriya anil ji
Rashmi Sharma

gooDe akkhar ,fatti sukki
adiyo meri gaachi mukki
sukke hanjhu akkhaN waale
haaDa! akkhar mooloN kaale

Venus Sandal

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Re: tum
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2014, 11:55:38 AM »
Rashmi ji..gazal to pyaari he hi..u r very good listener too

Keep doin good job
zoya****

Lau  hi lau sii ..... saik nhi si
Vekh lya main jugnu phd ke
:-Meesa.

Sahil

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Re: tum
« Reply #13 on: June 10, 2014, 06:25:02 PM »
Khoobsoorat ghazal

Reeta tyagi

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Re: tum
« Reply #14 on: June 11, 2014, 04:50:38 PM »
chup chaap chal diye ho
kah do hui khataa tum....... Umdaa
Beautiful lines